June 29, 2017 - After Africa

Fourteen years ago today, my sister and her neighbor comically set me up with a cute European guy who was working at their town YMCA for the summer.  We met over watermelon and beer, and when he said he wanted to visit Boston for the first time, one of them told him, "Lisa will show you around!"  When he came over a few days later to plan our Boston visit, my sister said, "So, you guys are going to the movies tonight?" I have maybe never blushed like that before in my life, and we ended up seeing Jim Carey's "Bruce Almighty."  I wasn't exactly a desperate spinster at the age of almost-23, but there was something about him that immediately felt special, different, right.  I am good at holding on to people in my life, and I knew pretty quickly that he was someone I never wanted to let go of.  The next four years of long distance until our eventual wedding day were emotional, complicated, incredible.  I was devoted to teaching high school in New York City - an intense job that I loved intensely - and Kristoffer was finishing up his graduate degrees before moving to Washington, DC.  Right after we were married, we moved to Kenya.  And then we moved again to Tanzania.  And life has now brought us to Maryland.  It is profound to think of all of the small and big decisions that brought us to those places, and how even one or two different decisions could have landed us, together or individually, elsewhere.  It all goes back to watermelon and beer. Although I know my sister takes the credit.  

So now that you've read all of my "wrap ups," it is time for me to say goodbye to this blog.  A couple of people have asked me what else I have been doing this last year, as I have already written so much about everyone else.  I intentionally did not try to find work, because I needed to get everyone settled, make our house a home, and adapt to life without staff (no joke).  And I did all of that!  The four times Kristoffer traveled it was for 2-3 weeks each time, and that was something else to get used to.  As I am a woman who needs other women (don't we all?!), I've been working on making friends and figuring out where I fit in here in our new community.  I will admit, in some ways that process has been easier and faster to do in my home country/culture than in Kenya or Tanzania as a foreigner sussing out other foreigners.  But in other ways, it has been a different challenge to "break in" because people here are settled and have established social lives, without the normal "filling friendship vacancies" that expats constantly need to do. I've made friends through the kids' elementary school primarily and these women are the mothers of our kids' friends, they are neighbors, Brownie and Soccer Moms, go to our church, or are in my book club!  I have met so many wonderful and kind women, and it is great to feel that I have found my proverbial "village" here.  I am also starting to consider part time consulting work for the fall when Aya goes to her nursery school five days a week. I'm ready to dust off parts of my brain that have been hiding in far off corners for awhile. We've tackled moving and living overseas and having three babies there.  Now I'm ready to tackle "American part-time-working-mom" a bit if I can find something that is a good fit.

People often ask me what I miss.  I usually say that, other than missing individual people, I greatly miss the diversity of expat life - living in a different culture and being surrounded by different languages and perspectives all the time.  In Grace's first grade class of 22 students, there were 15 different languages spoken at home.  I miss that.  And I miss the schools our kids went to - we seemed to have found "the right" school for each child at the right time and they were each very special.   Also, the beauty of East Africa.  The honesty of it.  The "in-your-face"ness of it.  Even the hard stuff...sometimes I miss that too.  

It is easy to identify what I don't miss as well.  The kids being sick all the time, worrying about malaria or other diseases, little relief from the heat, and inconsistent utlities (water and power).  The intricacies of managing people working in your home (even when you depend on and really like them, it's stressful!).  Being a target, more or less all the time, and being asked for more and more and more, when you're already being more generous than you can be.  That gets exhausting. I also don't miss the anxiety.  In hindsight, I think I probably should have been taking some kind of anti-anxiety medication for the last many years.  It was not paralyzing, but it was strong.  I had a lot of anxiety around emergencies - what if one of us got really sick and couldn't be medivac'ed in time?  And when Kristoffer would travel, it would be worse.  I hated driving off our little peninsula in case of a car accident when he was out of the country.  I felt the burden of not having any family around should something happen to me when he was away.  My anxiety is significantly better since we moved back, and that is a huge relief.

While the kids aren't babies anymore, this blog has largely served as their "baby book." We have a wonderful life that I am grateful for everyday.  It is not perfect, but it is really good.  Having seen up close the other side of the spectrum, I hope to always be humble and empathetic and generous to others when I can be.  To say that I've learned a lot about the world in the last decade would be a drastic understatement.  I like to think that I am more open-minded, more tolerant, more forgiving  (although that European guy I met 14 years ago might not agree!), but it is also possible that I am more cynical and jaded too, although we might have gotten out just in time to avoid any permanent damage.  At the very least I am more knowledgable, and I will appreciate that knowledge for a long time to come.

It is apropos that Jeffrey Gettleman, our friend, Pulitzer Prize winner and New York Times now-former East Africa Bureau Chief, just published his book last month, called Love, Africa: A Memoir of Romance, War and Survival*.  It is an incredible read, made even cooler because I've never known the author of a memoir before.  Particularly for me, his descriptions of Kenya and the region during the time we lived there were poignant.  He brilliantly articulated many feelings that I can strongly identify with and there was a certain magic to reading a memoir that I connected with so personally.  His book made me feel deeply grateful for our time in East Africa and also relieved that it is over.  While we did not face nearly the level of intimacy, danger or intensity that Jeffrey and his wife Courtenay experienced, in this last year since we left I have walked around feeling that we did, indeed, survive something big. 

Speaking of Jeffrey Gettleman, we were emailing back and forth a bit in December and he asked me if we were missing Africa or not.  Part of my response to him is the right way to close this blog.  We are here now and life is good; I'm a person who leans towards happiness. But it is also true that, as I wrote to him, "I'll be missing pieces of Africa forever."

Cheers to that, and thank you for reading!

LMW

(*Note that Jeffrey Gettleman did not ask for, nor does he need, this book review, but really - if Africa is at all an interest of yours, you should read his memoir.  If you've ever fallen in love with a place or with a person?  If you've ever had a dream and done everything you could to make that dream come true?  If you're just a person who's not perfect, but you're trying to be a better version of yourself?  Read it! Read it! Read it!  It's really very powerful and, and you might even just fall a little bit in love with Africa too. Jeffrey Gettleman will now be reporting for the NYT as South Asia Bureau Chief based in India.  We will miss his East African stories, but look forward to following his next assignment.)

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June 21, 2017 - Kristoffer

When I met Kristoffer in 2003, it was clear to me even then that Africa was his dream.  For some reason, he had a thing about Kenya.  He made some good decisions and took some risks and was very persistent, until he got his UN WFP job in Nairobi in December of 2007.  He rode that JPO train (which means funded by his government but working for an international organization) longer and farther than anyone else.  Most people are a JPO for 2 years, maybe 3 if they're lucky.  He was a JPO for 4 years.  That was largely in part to the WFP global hiring freeze after the recession: he could not be hired to stay at WFP, anywhere in the world actually, once his Danish funding expired.  So when it was clear that he really couldn't be a JPO any longer, and actually was quite ready for a professional promotion, he started looking elsewhere and found the World Bank job in Dar (also donor funded!).  Going back to his roots!  After all, his first job out of graduate school was as an unpaid intern at the World Bank in DC (his part time job was riding the Vamoose Bus to NYC on weekends to visit his then-girlfriend).  When it became clear that his initial position in Dar was not exactly a great fit for him, he sought a lot of advice from other World Bank staff (past and present) and began to position himself to do work he absolutely loved in a way that would keep him around Dar for awhile.  His planning worked out very well. 

I think that was all a very roundabout way of saying that one thing I admire very much about Kristoffer is the way he can assess a situation, identify what needs to change, and then make decisions for that change to happen.  He does a great job in the present, while also making a path to the future.  

So he got his Africa wish - 8 1/2 years of it, in fact, but he was increasingly wanting to leave.  So our departure from Dar was just the next thing he was ready for.  He is really good at goodbyes - I might even suggest that he is TOO good at goodbyes.  We were in a long distance relationship for 4 years until we the day we got married, and I can't tell you how many times I'd be at an airport sobbing to say goodbye to him, and he would just be hugging me, smiling, and waving me off, knowing we wouldn't see each other for months.  So while I was preparing all the small people for our move, in our final weeks in Dar he was at the World Bank, working really hard.  

When our transfer to the US was approved, it didn't change the scope of his work.  His job is still there.  So he works here in DC, but has traveled back to Kenya/Tanzania four times in the last year.  One trip was three weeks long - that was almost torture for all of us - and since then his trips have been two weeks long each.  When we said goodbye to Dar, he was literally just saying, 'see you soon', because he knew he would.  When he goes back it is not a vacation - he works and works and works - but he is still there.  Sometimes he gets to see a few friends or bring us some presents from our favorite Dar shops.  His life is mostly here, but a little bit there.  So our experiences of our transition have been very different.  

The World Bank in Dar often has an "end of the [fiscal] year" party in June for staff and their families to get together and have some fun.  It serves as a goodbye party for those staff who are departing, and is usually held at a big beach hotel.  Kristoffer was one of four colleagues leaving last June, and the celebration was lovely.  

For me the highlight of this day was when his colleagues got to say a few words about him.  It was a proud moment to hear his Tanzanian colleagues express appreciation for his positive outlook and friendliness, his genuine effort to understand and respect both their language and their culture, and his sincerity in helping the people of Tanzania in his work.  They have a name for him in their office (I say present tense, because he's there often enough that they probably still use it!) that basically means "the white black guy" because he fit in so well with his Tanzanian colleagues.  People were crying to say goodbye to him and I was truly touched by how many people thanked me for him! 

 On the last day of school, we went to the DYC for what was probably our last sundowner G&T. 

And then it was time to leave.

Kristoffer has taken to our American life really well (politics aside, that is).  He loves our house and he loves to be doing projects on or for or around it.  He likes mowing our (small) lawn.  He likes his 7 minute bike ride to the metro to get to work and doesn't have a terrible commute.  He is thrilled any time we visit Montgomery County's amazing parks and playgrounds for playing or hiking.  Biking with the kids to a playground, playing soccer in the yard, and playing basketball in the driveway are activities he loves to do here.  Like me, he has been impressed with the friendliness of our neighbors and the kindness of the very interesting people who live around us.  The work trips are hard - yes.  He feels extremely disconnected from home life during those weeks, with good reason.  But they are temporary, and they allow us to be living here even though his work is there.  Each trip gets a little bit easier in terms of how well everyone handles the separation.  

To say he is busy at work these days is an understatement.  He is now at a level with a lot of responsibility, but is still close enough to the work on the ground to appreciate the impact he can have on the people of Tanzania.  He is an expert on the use of solar energy for rural water supply, and is preparing to launch a ground-breaking solar program in Tanzania.  He is also preparing a $250 million program on rural water supply in Tanzania.  His work is, literally, never done!  

Click here for a video describing a bit about what Kristoffer does.

And on the home front, here are some of the highlights of his first year here in Maryland...

He had the spontaneous idea to go to a Springsteen concert last summer!

 His birthday was in September, but he was in Dar, 

so we celebrated when he came home in October:

Pie-Face!

(Grace's birthday party)

 Being greeted after a long trip away:

 For Christmas, my parents gave him a Tesla :)

 There was not much snow there, but he helped them make the most of it!

 Last weekend, on Father's Day, we did a small hike (Aya walked on her own!).  

I hope he knows how much these three love their Far.

Last night, we went to the U2 concert at FedEx Field.  It was an amazing show - despite our party bus (with friends and their friends) breaking down on the side of the Beltway on our way there.  We waited and transferred to another bus and still got there in plenty of time.  The Lumineers were an excellent opening act, but U2 was just amazing.  As when we saw them 2 years ago, they delivered an inspiring  show and we LOVED hearing The Joshua Tree album live. (It was also sweet to be kid-free on a Tuesday from 4-12!  Next week is the 14th anniversary of when we met!)  

With our tenth wedding anniversary just a couple of weeks away, it is certainly interesting and nostalgic to look back and reflect on this very big decade we've had.   Like every other couple, we've had ups and downs, celebrations and challenges, laughter and tears.  And as much of a romantic as I am...and, oh yes, you know I am...being married to someone is more than just romance.  It is more than just friendship.  It is more than just love.  It is a choice, to get through life together.  I remain grateful that Kristoffer and I are choosing each other and choosing this life together.  Wherever we are in the world, be it Kenya, Tanzania, Denmark, America, or wherever else life may take us, I know we are together.  Pamoja.

LMW

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June 16, 2017 - Noah

Noah’s final year in Tanzania was an awesome one.  He had switched preschools and made a diverse group of great new friends; I know he was sad to leave them.   His school, Reader Rabbits, was also something special, and he learned to read there so he felt confident and proud finishing preschool there.  In our last two few weeks, Noah’s elaborate preschool graduation was quite a milestone.   He was absolutely adorable.  And in the week after school ended, he had many great play dates with his best buddies.  Like Grace, I think for Noah the last couple of months waiting to go felt pretty long and he was eager to get to Legoland in Denmark before coming to America.  These were Noah’s final days in Dar:

A field trip to the smaller of Dar's two airports - they even got to meet a pilot!

At Noah's final pre-school assembly, he played a fireman in two different songs. 

You can watch one of them here:

This was me...

Then he got to walk down the aisle in a little cap and gown.  

Admittedly, I expected to think it was really over the top, but it was actually so lovely and special the way they celebrated these little kids!  Watch this:

 With his wonderful teacher, Ms. Bi.  

It was a great morning that he will remember for a long time!

 Final play date with Maya - his oldest friend (along with Helena, who had already moved to the Cook Islands earlier in the year)...they were even both infants in Nairobi! Not many toys, but moving boxes are fun to design.

Last play dates, with his friend Wahid.

 

 Saying goodbye to his good buddy Quincy.

 And Eddie, too!

 And probably his first ever crush, Little Miss Maia.  

And then it was time to leave.

I definitely wondered what life would like for Noah in the US.  In the beginning, I noticed that he had the most interesting observations.  After a few weeks he was finally like, “Hey, none of these houses have guards or gates!”  On their first day in our new house, he and Grace also noticed that our windows don’t have security bars on them.  He also asked, “So, we’re never going to have mosquito nets again?”  He loved playing outside and not worrying about getting malaria.  He LOVED (still loves) the Ice Cream Truck and, especially, playing with neighborhood kids outside – running between yards and houses and having so much fun.  It is a different, new kind of freedom than he ever experienced before, always being behind compound walls. 

Noah’s introduction to school went well.  He got a wonderful Kindergarten teacher who was a great fit for him, providing loving structure and clear instruction while also being silly with the kids.  At my fall parent-teacher conference with his teacher, we talked about his transition.  She told me some times he says really funny stuff.  One time she was describing a color to the kids and told them it was kind of a “blue-green” color.  Noah raised his hand and told them, “In Tanzania, we call that color turquoise.”  She laughed aloud!

He has made wonderful friends this year.  Noah told me in the fall that kids really liked him because “they never knew any African kids before.”  He has tried soccer and basketball, and a little yoga too.   One Wednesdays at recess there is a “running club” at school, and it is one of his favorite activities.  He started and enjoyed going to CCD this year (religious education) with several friends from his class at school in his CCD class as well. Noah continues to have an amazing imagination.  He still loves Legos and just to play, play, play with his sisters, friends and toys.  His love for moose has grown deeper, and he now strives to hold the World Record for the largest stuffed moose collection.  (I am not kidding.)

Noah’s health also improved this year – he doesn’t get stomach bugs or ear infections nearly as often (note that this could be because we don’t swim all the time anymore!).   He absolutely LOVED everything about Halloween and has enjoyed all of the holidays in our new home.   He’s a funny little kid – always rearranging and reorganizing his room.  In Tanzania, Grace & Noah shared a room but here they have their own bedrooms next door to each other.  If it’s not a school night, however, you will often find them choosing to have a sleepover in Noah’s room.  He once told Grace, “You are always welcome to sleep in my room. I love it!”    He is happy to be in the same school as her this year and brags when he gets a glimpse of her during the day.   Here is Noah’s year in review:

Got a new-to-him bike, which he is great at riding around our neighborhood. 

One of his favorite things is to go for a bike ride with Far.

 First day of Kindergarten at KP!

Breakfast date with Mama before seeing a pediatric opthamologist.

(We learned that the progression of Noah's myopia is advanced.  

He now gets a daily eye drop to try to slow it down. )

 New glasses!  (bye bye to his baby blues!)

When Far got the Lego Millenium Falcon for his birthday, Noah could not have been happier!

First foliage!  Sorting leaves for "homework".

I volunteered in Noah's class a couple of times a month, and loved to see what he was up to.  While he often acts crazy at home, at school he is a good listener, follows directions well (most of the time, I'm told), and pays close attention to detail!

Then came Halloween.  He was obsessed, and constantly asks me for the countdown until the next one.  His sweet tooth and imagination were primed for this holiday!

Kylo Ren:

Lost his first (and then second) tooth!

Right before Christmas, his great friend Vincent from Tanzania came for a sleepover!  

It was so much fun to have hm!

Sweet tooth strikes again, that's the craziest "gingerbread house" I've ever seen!

He tried basketball for a few weeks too.  Great coaches and teammates, but the jury is still out on whether this will be Noah's sport.

When it was his birthday in January - 6 years old! - he wanted breakfast in bed: 

 It was largely a moose themed birthday :)

 Can't believe our guy is 6!

He wanted to go to the Air & Space Museum; since we'd visited the one in DC before, we went to the (much cooler) one in Dulles.

 Noah had a brief phase of being very interested in the military.  He still is a little bit, but not the same degree. One of his friend gave him fatigues!

His birthday party was a morning "pancakes and pajamas" breakfast with a hint of his moose and army interests through his cake and pinata.  We were a bit crazy and invited his whole class - and most of them came!  He's  a social, well-liked kid and it was lovely to see him so happy with a nice group of kids.

 

His kindergarten portrait of our family!

All dressed up for Easter!

Oh, Noah.  We just love this boy.  One of the hardest adjustments for him (and for me!) was getting used to Kristoffer’s travel.  He has gone back to East Africa every other month for 2 weeks at a time (also once to India and once to Denmark) since we arrived.  Luckily this summer he is not traveling.  But in the beginning, Noah would completely meltdown in the the first few days when Far would be away.  Those were among our hardest days here.  It is easy for us to see that he is maturing and adapting, because he can handle these periods much better now.   As of this afternoon, he will be a First Grader! 

Noah does not have the benefits of being the oldest or the youngest in our family – he is stuck in that place lots of people complain about: the middle child!  But he is our only boy and we think he is pretty special.  In his best moments. he is both an adoring little brother and a devoted big brother.  We easily remember the days of my pregnancy in Kenya, when we didn’t think he would make it, and the times when he was so sick as an infant there as well. It makes us appreciate the affectionate, quirky, intelligent little kid that he has become.  Since he is two years younger than Grace, I suppose he will remember less of his Tanzanian life than she will.  But he does seem to have an elephant’s memory, so maybe he’ll prove me wrong.  They were special years, so I really hope he does.

LMW

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