June 21, 2017 - Kristoffer

When I met Kristoffer in 2003, it was clear to me even then that Africa was his dream.  For some reason, he had a thing about Kenya.  He made some good decisions and took some risks and was very persistent, until he got his UN WFP job in Nairobi in December of 2007.  He rode that JPO train (which means funded by his government but working for an international organization) longer and farther than anyone else.  Most people are a JPO for 2 years, maybe 3 if they're lucky.  He was a JPO for 4 years.  That was largely in part to the WFP global hiring freeze after the recession: he could not be hired to stay at WFP, anywhere in the world actually, once his Danish funding expired.  So when it was clear that he really couldn't be a JPO any longer, and actually was quite ready for a professional promotion, he started looking elsewhere and found the World Bank job in Dar (also donor funded!).  Going back to his roots!  After all, his first job out of graduate school was as an unpaid intern at the World Bank in DC (his part time job was riding the Vamoose Bus to NYC on weekends to visit his then-girlfriend).  When it became clear that his initial position in Dar was not exactly a great fit for him, he sought a lot of advice from other World Bank staff (past and present) and began to position himself to do work he absolutely loved in a way that would keep him around Dar for awhile.  His planning worked out very well. 

I think that was all a very roundabout way of saying that one thing I admire very much about Kristoffer is the way he can assess a situation, identify what needs to change, and then make decisions for that change to happen.  He does a great job in the present, while also making a path to the future.  

So he got his Africa wish - 8 1/2 years of it, in fact, but he was increasingly wanting to leave.  So our departure from Dar was just the next thing he was ready for.  He is really good at goodbyes - I might even suggest that he is TOO good at goodbyes.  We were in a long distance relationship for 4 years until we the day we got married, and I can't tell you how many times I'd be at an airport sobbing to say goodbye to him, and he would just be hugging me, smiling, and waving me off, knowing we wouldn't see each other for months.  So while I was preparing all the small people for our move, in our final weeks in Dar he was at the World Bank, working really hard.  

When our transfer to the US was approved, it didn't change the scope of his work.  His job is still there.  So he works here in DC, but has traveled back to Kenya/Tanzania four times in the last year.  One trip was three weeks long - that was almost torture for all of us - and since then his trips have been two weeks long each.  When we said goodbye to Dar, he was literally just saying, 'see you soon', because he knew he would.  When he goes back it is not a vacation - he works and works and works - but he is still there.  Sometimes he gets to see a few friends or bring us some presents from our favorite Dar shops.  His life is mostly here, but a little bit there.  So our experiences of our transition have been very different.  

The World Bank in Dar often has an "end of the [fiscal] year" party in June for staff and their families to get together and have some fun.  It serves as a goodbye party for those staff who are departing, and is usually held at a big beach hotel.  Kristoffer was one of four colleagues leaving last June, and the celebration was lovely.  

For me the highlight of this day was when his colleagues got to say a few words about him.  It was a proud moment to hear his Tanzanian colleagues express appreciation for his positive outlook and friendliness, his genuine effort to understand and respect both their language and their culture, and his sincerity in helping the people of Tanzania in his work.  They have a name for him in their office (I say present tense, because he's there often enough that they probably still use it!) that basically means "the white black guy" because he fit in so well with his Tanzanian colleagues.  People were crying to say goodbye to him and I was truly touched by how many people thanked me for him! 

 On the last day of school, we went to the DYC for what was probably our last sundowner G&T. 

And then it was time to leave.

Kristoffer has taken to our American life really well (politics aside, that is).  He loves our house and he loves to be doing projects on or for or around it.  He likes mowing our (small) lawn.  He likes his 7 minute bike ride to the metro to get to work and doesn't have a terrible commute.  He is thrilled any time we visit Montgomery County's amazing parks and playgrounds for playing or hiking.  Biking with the kids to a playground, playing soccer in the yard, and playing basketball in the driveway are activities he loves to do here.  Like me, he has been impressed with the friendliness of our neighbors and the kindness of the very interesting people who live around us.  The work trips are hard - yes.  He feels extremely disconnected from home life during those weeks, with good reason.  But they are temporary, and they allow us to be living here even though his work is there.  Each trip gets a little bit easier in terms of how well everyone handles the separation.  

To say he is busy at work these days is an understatement.  He is now at a level with a lot of responsibility, but is still close enough to the work on the ground to appreciate the impact he can have on the people of Tanzania.  He is an expert on the use of solar energy for rural water supply, and is preparing to launch a ground-breaking solar program in Tanzania.  He is also preparing a $250 million program on rural water supply in Tanzania.  His work is, literally, never done!  

Click here for a video describing a bit about what Kristoffer does.

And on the home front, here are some of the highlights of his first year here in Maryland...

He had the spontaneous idea to go to a Springsteen concert last summer!

 His birthday was in September, but he was in Dar, 

so we celebrated when he came home in October:

Pie-Face!

(Grace's birthday party)

 Being greeted after a long trip away:

 For Christmas, my parents gave him a Tesla :)

 There was not much snow there, but he helped them make the most of it!

 Last weekend, on Father's Day, we did a small hike (Aya walked on her own!).  

I hope he knows how much these three love their Far.

Last night, we went to the U2 concert at FedEx Field.  It was an amazing show - despite our party bus (with friends and their friends) breaking down on the side of the Beltway on our way there.  We waited and transferred to another bus and still got there in plenty of time.  The Lumineers were an excellent opening act, but U2 was just amazing.  As when we saw them 2 years ago, they delivered an inspiring  show and we LOVED hearing The Joshua Tree album live. (It was also sweet to be kid-free on a Tuesday from 4-12!  Next week is the 14th anniversary of when we met!)  

With our tenth wedding anniversary just a couple of weeks away, it is certainly interesting and nostalgic to look back and reflect on this very big decade we've had.   Like every other couple, we've had ups and downs, celebrations and challenges, laughter and tears.  And as much of a romantic as I am...and, oh yes, you know I am...being married to someone is more than just romance.  It is more than just friendship.  It is more than just love.  It is a choice, to get through life together.  I remain grateful that Kristoffer and I are choosing each other and choosing this life together.  Wherever we are in the world, be it Kenya, Tanzania, Denmark, America, or wherever else life may take us, I know we are together.  Pamoja.

LMW

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June 13, 2017 - Leaving Dar

So…the leaving. 

Kristoffer worked until the end.  I think he even worked a half day on the actual day of our departure.  But before that, there was a lot to do.  It was important to me for the kids to have proper goodbyes and “closure” with as many people as possible.  So there were sleepovers for Grace, play dates for Noah, and even a couple for Aya too.  Our staff (Oliver and Christopher) was very helpful during these days.  Most of our stuff was gone and we were slowly selling off the rest of it, so the kids borrowed toys from friends, and colored on moving boxes around the house. I’m the first to admit, there was a significant bump in their iPad privileges. 

We had a big goodbye breakfast on the beach.  There was Noah’s preschool graduation and big last days for our biggest girl, Grace, at IST.  Aya stuck to Oliver like glue when she wasn’t at her preschool.   There was a goodbye party with the World Bank.  I was in charge of managing scheduling, logistics and everyone’s emotions, which was a pretty big job. Then I was in an unexpected (but luckily not very bad) car accident, which was actually soooooo Tanzanian.

It was 11 days before departure, and Grace was incredibly sick.  As you might recall, Grace was often (felt like always) sick.  She averaged 10 throat infections a year, each with debilitating headaches and super high fevers.  So I had taken Grace to the clinic for a malaria test and we were on our way to drop off Aya at her preschool before going back to see the doctor, when another driver smashed into the side of my car.  He was turning right onto the road I was driving on, never stopped and looked, and hit me perpendicularly.  The girls were not harmed – both were buckled in car seats, thankfully. 

I instantly called Kristoffer to send UN Security to the scene of the accident, and also for him to come.  That was our protocol.  I needed Grace to get to the doctor and didn’t know how long it would take to deal with the accident.  We were hit by a huge, crazy fancy Lexus SUV with a fashion license plate.  The guy – an Indian Tanzanian in his 50s - got out and came knocking on my car window.  I got out. 

Him: “Well, I hit you.” 

Me: “Yes”. 

Him: “I’ll take care of it.”

Me: “That’s great. We just need to wait a few minutes for UN Security to arrive.”

Him: “I’m not staying for that.” 

Me: “You have to stay.” 

Him: “I’m not staying.”

Me: “But then we’ll have to get the police involved.” 

Him (with a big smile): “Go right ahead.” 

I tried to get him to keep talking to me, but he walked back to his car, got in and started to drive forward. I started screaming at him to stay – admittedly shaky and teary - and I stood in front of his car blocking traffic in both lanes of a busy, main road to prevent him from leaving.

A few people I knew ended up driving by. My friend’s husband pulled over to help and started talking to the driver in Swahili; he somehow convinced him to pull back over to the side of the road. I took a picture of the car’s license plate and was trying to call Kristoffer at the same time, also remembering to check on the girls, although my driver’s door could no longer open from the outside.  Grace’s fever was like 103 at that point and she was also hysterical because I was standing in the road in front of many cars, screaming at a mean stranger.  Yikes (Sorry, Grace!).

I tried to calm down and went over to his window and said something like "They'll be here any minute.  You just have to wait a little bit longer."  He told me once again that he would absolutely not stay.  I said I would continue to stand in front of his car to keep him from leaving and he said, “Then I will hit you.”  In that moment, looking deeply into his eyes, I sincerely believed that he would do it. 

I backed away from his window and was standing a short distance from his car.  The traffic was all gone by now and he put his car into reverse and drove backwards down the road until he could turn away.  I didn’t get any information from him.  Of course UN Security, Kristoffer, and a US Embassy friend on a motorcycle all arrived 2 minutes later.

The rest of the morning was crazy – as if I didn’t have anything else to do! Kristoffer took Aya to school and Grace to the doctor; thankfully, she didn’t have malaria.  Just another throat infection requiring more antibiotics.  I ended up spending half the day with UN Security and Tanzanian police.  Somehow it turned out that I had to drive my own damaged car with a UN Security officer to go hunt down a traffic police officer to help us.  We drove to one of the busiest intersections in Dar, and waited for a traffic officer to be finished his shift directing traffic.  He then got into my car and I drove them back to the scene of the accident for them to draw pictures and discuss what happened.  Then I had to drive them to the police station, where I waited.  And waited.  And waited, to officially “open an investigation”.  During this time, my neck pain set in and Kristoffer insisted that I go to the clinic for a check up before I did anything else.  I also had to buy these guys some Cokes…you know, to speed things along.

The beauty of the little peninsula we lived on is that it really is a small world.  People are all interconnected.  So when I was being examined by one of my favorite doctors and told him all about the accident, as soon as I mentioned the license plate he knew exactly who the guy was.  I do not know if he violated some kind of privilege by telling me…I would have found out eventually anyway, but the intel did speed things up.  When I googled the guy’s name, I learned a lot about him.  He was a notoriously corrupt businessman, owner of some of the largest companies in Tanzania, and had recently been thrown out of the new President’s house when he tried to bribe him immediately after he took office. Accusations of running a large drug operation also surfaced.  This was all consistent with what I could see when I looked into his eyes.  This was one bad dude. And the crime he committed by leaving the scene of our little car accident meant absolutely nothing to him.  The doctor prescribed some pain medication for my neck strain and recommended that I see a physiotherapist.  With 11 days to go, I now needed to fit in physical therapy?!

When I got the driver’s information to UN Security, he was very well known to them.  He is usually not driving his own vehicles, but the head of UN Security had his phone number on speed dial.  He did not deny the accident, but was hell bent on being as big of an asshole as possible.

My little Toyota station wagon was probably worth about $6,500 and we were close to selling it in that final week.  Who would buy it now?  We asked him to just pay us off and do whatever he wanted with the car.  He hit me with his $60,000 vehicle, but wouldn’t pay me $6k so that we could leave the country in peace!

I had to spend the last week driving around in my slightly cracked up car that didn’t open from the driver’s side.  The UN struck a deal with him that we would deliver our car to HIS mechanic when we left and they would fix it (note that I was not a fan of this arrangement).  Our own mechanic could have done it more quickly, but the dude wouldn’t pay out.  We eventually got the car back from him all “fixed” up a couple months later, but our buyer didn’t trust it anymore (who could blame him!).  Our own mechanic checked it out again and we did manage it to sell it to some friends six months after we left (thank you R&C, if you’re reading this!).  But Good Lord, I did not need that stress.

In that last week I managed to get to PT three times.  Dar’s best physio was awesome, even seeing me at his home, and taping my neck before we traveled to reduce any further aggravation.  To this day, the thing that infuriates me the most is the corruption of it all.  Even after so many years there and knowing that’s how it is, it still made me so mad. I spent that whole week ANGRY and dealing with that car accident.  I had to go back to the police station 2 or 3 more times, and it was always incredibly frustrating to be waiting and waiting and waiting. Stacks and rooms and piles of files EVERYWHERE, people just sitting around, and so many ledger books to sign and sort through.  Hours of my life that I can definitely not get back.

The final time I went to get a copy of the report for our insurance, I was told, “Mama, the case is closed.  Your driver came and confessed.  It is done.”  He showed me the picture of a guy who came and confessed to hitting my car and fleeing the scene.  The only problem was, it wasn’t him!  This was a young, African Tanzanian who, we surmised, must work for the bad dude who actually did hit me.   The police didn’t care.  That’s why this guy smiled at me when I threatened to involve the police.  He knew that the police were in his pocket already anyway, so it never mattered to him even though it nearly destroyed me in that last week.

We almost made it out of Tanzania with no accidents, just like we almost made it out Kenya without personally experiencing any serious crime. Until Kristoffer was held up at gun point in the 11^th hour, that is.  Just our luck, I guess.

But everything else happened as it should.  On our last day, the kids had play dates in the morning and I had lined up all the people buying our furniture to come and collect at different times.  So the house got emptier and emptier.  One friend came to say goodbye while I was waiting for someone else to collect stuff for donating.  I had an anxiety attack when she arrived.  My friend saw my face, saw me shaking and asked, “What can I do…?”  I have no idea what I said, but I know that she just started taking random piles of stuff out of the house to her car and she encouraged me to sit down and eat something. I’m still grateful to her for that!

Some of our good friends came over with pizza, because we all had to eat before we headed to the airport anyway. My original idea was that we would meet them at a restaurant for pizza and drinks!  HA!  I asked one friend, “What the hell was I thinking?”  He was like, “None of us actually thought that was going to happen.  This was the plan.  It’s okay.  We knew you guys weren’t making it to Zuane for dinner!” 

There was one moment when all of this was actually happening at the same time: 7 kids running around the empty house and jumping on the trampoline; 5 friends eating pizza and gathering around a million suitcases; Kristoffer doing a final walk through of the house with our landlord and her entire family; and Christopher, our cook, weeping as he drove away on the back of a little truck with our small refrigerator and piles of towels, sheets, and kitchen gadgets.  In the next moment, I finally had to take Aya out of Oliver’s arms.  It was incredibly sad for me to say goodbye to this woman who had loved our children so well, especially Baby Aya since she was 3 months old.  It was the same feeling I had when Rose went back to Kenya. These women were wonderful to us and for us, and my affection for their countries is strongly connected to my feelings for them personally. Even if the children forget them, I never will.

The World Bank sent two huge cars to take us to the airport.  I was with the girls in one car, and I ugly cried.  A lot.  I took a break to get through the airport and all that, but once we settled into the lounge, I cried again.  I said a Facebook “kwaheri” as we were taxiing, and then we took off into the night. 

When we moved to Kenya, the deal was:  2 years, no kids.  As we took off this final time from Tanzania, 8 ½ years later with 3 kids in tow, I couldn’t believe that it had really all happened.  We lived it.  We survived it. We loved it. We hated it.  At different moments, all of the above.  Sometimes even all at the same time.  

One year later, the awe of our Africa years hasn’t left me and I know for sure that I would do it all again.  In a heartbeat.

LMW

June 12, 2017 - Ready for Closure

Hello again!  Remember me?  I know, I know…it’s been far too long.

I last blogged after a wonderful weekend away in Kenya with my Nairobi Mom gang last year– we had a sweet reunion and I went into our final weeks in Tanzania completely refreshed.  Emotional as ever, but refreshed and ready to face becoming an Ex-Expat. 

There were so many wonderful moments and events to go through as we said goodbye to Dar.  Play dates on the beach, goodbye parties, and “lasts” of every kind:  last days of school, last days at the DYC, last pizza night, last days out with friends, last moments with our staff.  I even had a first and last unpleasant Dar car accident with 11 days to go.  Lucky me to get hit by one of Tanzania’s most notoriously corrupt businessmen who, needless to say, behaved terribly in the aftermath.  (The timing and trauma of it overshadowing our last week in Dar was almost poetic....almost).

But it’s taken me awhile to figure out why I didn’t blog about any of it.    I meant to.  I wanted to.  I started to, at least a dozen times.  There were so many things to write.  But…for some reason I just couldn’t do it.  I could say that it was because I didn’t have time, and that would be true, except I know that’s not why.  There was too much in my head, and too much in my heart.   I just couldn't actually get it all out.

As you know, I’m a sentimental person.  I treasure keepsakes and mementos. I honor anniversaries and milestones.   I hoard memories like they are canned food before a storm.   This blog was always a way to help me process my life when I felt far away from my life – wanting to be in both places at once - if that makes any sense.  But for some reason our move, which was not only leaving Tanzania, but also leaving Africa, was more than I could process, even with my normal blog-writing coping mechanism.  For a person who never dreamed of Africa, I certainly grew quite attached.

So I’ve taken the year, and in five days it will be a year since we left, to process on my own.  It has felt weird, but necessary. In the year that I’ve stopped writing, I’ve received many messages from people who felt really sad.  One person wrote to me, “I watched you have all those babies and your family grow.  And now you’re just gone!  How are you all doing?”  Another person told me in person that she missed us!  One other person wrote that it was like I stopped talking right in the middle of a sentence.

How lovely and sweet for people to feel invested in the story of our little family that I have told over the years.  Thank you for that.  And I’m sorry if I let you down.  I am a person who needs closure and I am now ready to have it, for myself and for anyone reading along. 

In the next week I’ll be posting my final blogs.  Blogs about our last days in Tanzania, and our first days in America.    Blogs about how we are now.  I’m finally ready to do it.  I’m crying the whole time, mind you – I still cannot separate myself from the emotion of leaving.  But as I told Kristoffer last night, I am ready to accept that we are here now.  And, even more so, that we won’t be there again.

Thank to those of you who have read this space for so many years, or for those who just popped in every now and then.  Thank you for indulging my verbosity, my naïveté, my figuring it out as we go, perhaps even my arrogance or conceit, to think that I ever had anything to write that people would want to read.  But I mean, there were some really cute baby pictures in there, right?   I needed this space and perhaps this year has been a bit of mourning for the loss of it as well.    So let me get to it…the blogs will be coming out over the next week and you’ll know when I’ve finished telling this story.

LMW

September 30, 2014 - Taxes for Expats

Note: This is my first sponsored post.  All details and opinions are mine alone.

You might not know this, but since we’ve moved to Dar I’ve been running a Facebook group for Expat Parents.  In theory it is a place where people can buy/sell their belongs upon coming or going, search for domestic staff, ask questions about where to go and what to do with their families while they are living in Dar.  I started the group with about 8 people (because I only knew 8 people) and it has grown to over 1,800 people now.  I am pretty strict about what I let people post – no stolen iPhones please! No hotel chains! – and Kristoffer has taken to calling me “the Dictator.”   I was actually “spotted” twice recently, approached by strangers who asked, “Are you Lisa from the Facebook group?!  Thank you so much!”  It is a helpful resource for those of us living here temporarily, even if it is an unpaid time-suck for me.

Which leads me to this story…

Earlier in the year I was approached by a company called Taxes for Expats (TFE) to find out if they could advertise in my Facebook group.  While I did say no (I told you I was strict!), it did lead me to have a longer conversation with the company about their services. Taxes for Expats is a company that provides expert, professional tax preparation services for expats.  In some ways I feel TFE was a Godsend because through messaging with one of their associates I learned that I have been really negligent in my taxes since becoming an expat.  Tax law for expats is extremely complicated and I was incredibly naïve.  I also learned that if Kristoffer ever wants to get his Greencard in the US, my tax negligence could definitely prevent that from happening.  Granted I didn’t owe very much money because I haven’t made very much money since leaving the US, but I did have some self-employment income that I hadn’t reported and should I get caught in the future my penalties might be higher than what I actually owed.  I also have some foreign bank accounts that I never reported, which is required by law.  Oops! Time to get on top of that as well.

With all of that in mind, I decided to hire TFE.  They have a few options for expats who have been negligent to get back in the good graces of the US Government.  For me, this was a “streamlined” package where they filed the last 3 years of taxes for me along with my foreign account reporting, and I was able to pay the small amount that I owed without penalty.  Now I am no longer delinquent, and TFE has all of my information to help me in the future.  Especially because I was never trying to deceive the government, I feel so much better now that I’m not delinquent anymore.

Once I signed up online, I was matched with a tax professional who asked for some information about me.  This required uploading some documents to my account on their website (past tax returns, for example) and some emailing back and forth before my guy identified just what I needed.  In the end he recommended a plan that was actually LESS than what I was expecting I would have to do.  I felt good that he wasn’t just trying to get me to buy their most expensive services.  He was knowledgeable, friendly over email, and extremely efficient in responding to all of my questions.  I knew what he was doing or what I was supposed to be doing at all times. 

All documents that I uploaded or that they prepared are available to me in my online account anytime.  Once he had everything from me, it took him about 10 days to prepare 3 years of tax returns and 6 years of foreign bank account disclosure.  I had time to review all documents, ask questions, and make changes before it was all finally finished.  In the end I could electronically sign for some things, but had to print and mail other documents directly to the federal government.  I didn’t have to pay TFE until I had agreed that all documents were final, and I was able to do so online.  The little I owed to the government was sent directly to the IRS.

One of the things I liked most about the company was that I was emailed by the President/Founder a number of items to check in with me and see how things were going, if I was happy with my accountant, etc.  She has been running the company for over 20 years with many happy customers; I think she is a real pro (at prepping taxes but also at customer service).

I have not looked into how the costs of TFE’s services compare to the costs of other tax preparation companies, but because I was so stressed about this and had no idea as to how I would even begin to fix the problem on my own, I was happy to hire them.   They have extensive reviews online, which you can find here, but know that I did no comparative research.

They also have a program where you can earn credit on referrals (so if you do business with them you could use me as your reference – go to this website - and I get $75 towards future tax preparation once you file your taxes.  Thanks in advance!) and I am earning credit for this blog as well.

TFE made the process of getting my taxes reorganized and updated extremely easy and the experience was MUCH less stressful than if I had attempted to do it on my own.  I’m always impressed by niche services that target a very specific need in the market and, in this case, I am relieved that I could benefit from such a service.  I highly recommend using this company if you’re in the same situation.

LMW